ambivalence

u-haul trucks and furniture pads. movings boxes and busy work. class requests and paperwork. new neighbors and long-lost friends. conference calls and bio pages. missing items and ill-functioning light sockets. a salon search and a photographer hook-up. a busy social life and insufficient alone time. dunkin' donuts and portillos. cb2 and trader joe's. google maps and new paths. picture hanging and office organizing.

i was ill-prepared to get what i asked for: a move to the city. the city that has caught my intrigue for years. Chicago. home.

maybe i thought that my friends were longing for the day that i'd be back. they haven't called much.

maybe i thought i would live in a small one bedroom condo with beautiful granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances, hard-wood floors and street parking. instead, my place is intrinsically quaint. a jacuzzi tub, berber carpet, and a fenced-in back yard.

maybe i thought i needed to be closer to my family. i have contemplated NOT going to see my family for Easter.

there are days that i don't a minute to spare. not a second to process a thought. there are nights that i am alone.... unsure of what i should be doing.

i got what i asked for. Chicago. home.

ambivalence: the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.